I wasn’y born in Scotland

And love it though I do

I didn’a learn ‘bout Rabbie Burns

at school – it’s sad but true

Wer I come fram they talk loik thers

"Ooo arr" is what they say

And "love is loik a red red rose"

Don’t really work that way

Ooo arr

So … best do something different

A ballad would be good

An ode to Glenmore lads perhaps?

You know … I think I could …

So settle down, we’re going on

a flight of fantasy

To where? you ask … well wait and see

So, … are you sitting comfortably?

                                Then I’ll begin.

This story starts with Harrold

As Glenmore stories ought

Imagine him at home one day

Quietly engulfed in thought

And just as in those years gone by

His thoughts are turned to you and I

"The Glenmore girls are aiming high

They’ve done the Cuillin ridge on Skye

And winter climbs upon the Beinn

They’ve even run the Karrimor

Ski’d UP and down on Aonoch Mor

Cross Scotland walk’s a sinch for them

But not it seems, for Glenmore MEN

The Glenmore lads, it seems to me

are growing rather slovenly

The odd tick here and there perhaps

But … the thing is, … with the chaps

it’s mostly Mar’lyns now a’days

Which doesn’t stretch us Munro-ways

We need a challenge"

He thought and thought … what it should be

He hummed and ha’d and said, "Ah me …

This time the Munros will not do

We’ve done them all … and Corbetts too"

He sat in silence for a while

Then on his face a little smile

appeared ….

"Aha" he said, "I know …"

He took the phone and told them all

to meet at Wellington Church hall

next WEDNESDAY … and he added then

"Don’t tell the girls, it’s just for men"

That night he said "I’m glad your here

and for tonight I’ve brought some beer

instead of tea because I fear

you may today

be shocked by what I have to say"

The room went quiet, breath was bated

While for Harrold’s words they waited

Some were feeling trepitated

But all were quite agog

He said, "How slovenly we’ve got

We really haven’t done a lot

Determination’s gone to pot

It’s all become a slog"

To start with all looked at the ground

Then lifted eyes and looked around

And in the silence Harrold found

the words, and with a merry flounce

even-tu-ally did pronounce!

"The club" he said "must be reborn

and so, we’ll climb the Matterhorn"

The silence then was greater still

And so it was some time until

Dave R, emerging from a sleep

Said, "Isn’t that one rather steep?"

And Alan C

asked, "Couldn’t we

just do a little jolly round

of golf … feet firmly on the ground?

And John MacLean said, "We could float

Around the coastline on my boat?"

Some voices piped up from the back

They said, "It isn’t that we lack

commitment … but we have to share

our fear. It’s not that we don’t care

We just are not sure that we dare …"

"Right" said Fred "’ava cuppa tea

You frightened ones can come with me

I’ll take the lead like on In Pin

Together we can surely win

over fear." And Arthur said "I’ll help you out

We can take turn and turn about"

At that point John McP perked up

And cried, "this plan is mega-great

I tried before but had no luck

It’s weather that will seal our fate"

He paused but for a moment

Then his thoughts turned to the site

"The web will need some pictures

Any volunteers tonight?"

Chris E jumped up "I’ll do it with

my erstwhile colleague, Jimmy Smith"

And Jimmy said, "Another thing …

Some power food’s essential

My steamed fruit pud’s the thing to bring

It really has potential

To stop the legs from quaking

The body mass from shaking

It’s easy of the making

In microwave (steam faking)

Just 8 minutes in the baking

And it’s very scrummy caking

I’ll put it on the web

Then Brian spoke, "Erhm" he said

"Since food’s become the theme

I could supply some haggis

With neeps and tatties, creamed"

And that is how the plan took shape

’Mid atmosphere electric

As ideas shot around the place

’Twas frenzied and quite hectic

For Henry said, "We must book places

in the Hörnli Hütte for sure

I will phone to reserve spaces

Soon as I get out this door"

And Dave C said, "We’ll all need gear

Descender and a stitchplate

A harness we will need to wear

With karabiners, screwgate

He said, "A duvet would be good

(Be sure to get one with a hood)"

Dave Foster said, "To get this kit

Is going to cost us quite a bit

A discount night is what we need

at Cotswold. Shall I take a lead

in organizing it?"

But David A and Denis

Were hatching up a plot

"Twixt Tiso and the Scout Shop

Most of this stuff can be got

We’ll get a list together

And order a job lot"

Dave C resumed his list of things

He said, "We each need several slings

We must have helmets, ’gainst loose rock"

A voice chipped in, "And Gortex socks!"

’Twas Jimmy Stevenson who’d spoke

He said, "They’re vital, aren’t they, folk?

To keep feet warm is what they’re for

You get them from the surplus store"

John Donahoe had hobbled through

He’d had a minor op

But he said "I am coming too

Not a thing will make me stop

behind. I’ll join you if I have to hop

Every step up to the top"

And so it was they went ….

So on the day they’re leaving

They fill up a route card form

Glasgow … Zurich … Zermatt …

Hörnli Hütte and Matterhorn

Escape route: none

Return date: 2 weeks hence

And they ticked the box for compass

And they ticked the box for map

And they ticked the box for waterproofs

For crampons and for sac

And they ticked the box for foodies, ’cos they’d all got steamy pud

They ticked the box for duvet-tops complete with wrap-round hood

And they ticked the box for bivi bags as all Glemorons should

And they added three new boxes

One for helmets, ’case of rockses

One for harness, ’case of dropses

And the last for Gortex sockses

They came by train to Zermatt

On the rack and pinion track

All felt now that they were there

There was no going back

They were greeted there by Garrey

John A, Tim and John McP

(’Cos they don’t have to go to work

each day, like you and me)

So they’d gone out in advance

As they are wont to do

And they climbed the Monte Rosa

And done Castor, Pollux too

And Garrey with a wide grin

That reached from ear to ear

Said, "You know … I really could begin

To get to like it here"

Then with a face becoming increasingly smug

"What’s more, I’ve got the mountaineering bug"

And with that he gave Harrold a big bear hug

They bunkhoused in the Bahnhof

(’Cos Henry’d booked that too)

And they went out for an evening stroll

To investigate the view

They walked on up the high street

To the point where suddenly

the Matterhorn is full revealed

In all its great glory

They stopped and stared

Inspired, scared

"It’s awfa big"

"Huge"

"Humungous"

"Gargantuan"

"Awesome"

"Gruesome"

"Fearsome"

"LOTSAFUN!"

With feelings shared and egos spared

Back to the Bahnhof they repaired

That evening Fred said to the rest

"You know, I think it would be best

I mean, I think it would be wise

for us to acclimatize

We need to climb a lesser peak

or two while we are here this week

So they took a ride in a cable car

to the Kleine Matterhorn

From there it isn’t very far

to the summit of Breithorn

Then they took the train to Gornergrat

From where to Stockhorn it’s quite flat

Then down to Rifflehorn they ambled

And on its rockface climbed and scrambled.

And thus their training, slow and steady

Grad-u-ally made them ready

           And then the big day dawned…

Fred and Arthur, in the early morn,

Left with a minimum of fuss

Heading for the Matterhorn

The first part of the route to suss

Such calm did not o’ercome the others

Who made a maximum of bother

Sacs were packed and unpacked again

Socks put on, then rearranged

Boots were cleaned, then after lunch

they all set off … a motley bunch

Schwartzsee, their first destination

Caused a bit of consternation

Should they walk or should they ride?

Was the issue to decide

By path, three hours is the par

But it’s just eight minutes by cable car

In the end some went on foot

Some took the Matterhorn Express

But who did which and which did what

Is something you’ll just have to guess

From Schwartzee to the Hörnli Hütte’s

Two hours in the guide book, but

those who’d come by cable car

Hadn’t yet gone very far

When someone passed

Very fast

Said, "Must dash

Been training with the Hash"

And quick as a flash

He was gone

It was, course, John Donelly

Yes, it WAS he

Yet … 20 minutes later he was spotted on the track

"Could it be that that is John D coming back?"

And down he came, running fast

Casting an eye towards them as he passed

Said "I’ve been to the Hörnli

But it’s still early

So I’ll get a bit of exercise

And give the walkers a surprise

While building muscles in my thighs

Then back on down the path he flew

To meet again the walking few

They reached the hütte at a quarter past four

By then he’d been up and down three times more

There’d ne’er before been such a sight

As the Hörnli witnessed on that night

For Harrold cleared the tables aside

And o’er proceedings did preside

He said "this room is very big

So we can do a Glenmore Jig"

Dave Web’ had brought a tape recorder

And music from the Reel Thing

So Harrold called the troops to order

"OK guys, let’s dance and sing"

He then stopped short, "… Ah what a pity

We are lacking ladies pretty"

’Twas John D’hoe who saved the day

Producing just the thing

His light weight sleeping leg support

He’d by chance thought to bring

So with a flourish he revealed

Those famous blow up boobs (well healed)

He said, "My friends you must share these

with me this evening, if you please"

So natty dancers, Keith and Steve

Dave H and John McPart …

… Well hard though this is to believe

They danced the ladies parts!

Harrold called a Ratigan Rant

(He’d brought his head held mike)

The steps were done so elegant

You ne’er have seen the like

The sound of "two more couples" rang

As everybody danced and sang

Dave Watson led Machine Without Horses

Getting some of the steps wrong

He finished off the whole performance

With a tasteful Burns night song

Dave Webster, who was club DJ

Was getting well into the gig

And lots of music he did play

Before he called an Irish jig

John MacLean sang a jolly ditty

Accompanied by comments, witty

Some others had a disco (head torch)

Amongst the boots out in the porch

Arms a-flailing, body rocking,

Colin made a rousing speech

Nic nacs off the wall near knocking

(Luckily just out of reach)

His final words: "To climb the Matterhorn

We must be up well before dawn"

Denis groaned, "What! up at three?!

Could someone pour me a whiskey"

But wisely they abstained from wine

And went upstairs to bed at nine

And in matratzenlager lied

Gently snoring side by side

                (Aah … don’t they look irresistible?!)

Mi mi mi meep … mi mi mi meep … mi mi mi meep ….

Leaping out of bed at three

Gordon Dykes and John MacP

Peeked outside and cried ,"Whoopee

The weather’s good, no sign of snow"

Then, "Flippin’ ’eck, we’ll have to go"

They hurried back up to the dorm

"Still in bunks … that’s not good form

Its time you got up out of beddy

Hurry up, we must get ready"

Harrold put on a jumper

made by Connie yester year

It held together by a thread

The others viewed it with much dread

"It will not last the day", they said

But Harrold argued "Have no fear

it’s lasted me for many a wear

In Whymper’s day they would have said,

"This is dead cool high tech gear"

They donned the helmets, what a sight

Daves wore yellow, Jimmys white

Johns had purple on their head

While Alans were adorned in red

But the best of all, so it was said

Were kept for Arthur and for Fred

A very bright fluorescent green

Ensuring they could both be seen

And all the rest wore pink or blue

… All, that is, except for Hugh

Whose hat was orange with white spots

Interspersed with purple dots

They put on harness, got out slings

Krabs and ropes and other things

Put food and water in their sacs

Then hoiked them up upon their backs

They stepped outside into the night

Some excited, some with fright

They roped in groups of two or three

(They’d practiced lots on the Whangie)

Then rope by rope, they each departed

Now the fun had really started

Some went with Arthur, some with Fred

Each had a headlamp on his head

An endless trail of fairy lights

Heading off into the night

Bill MacIntyre and John McP

Said they’d take up the rear

"To help out those in difficulty

Its best we stay back here"

And Gordon took a middling spot

Said, "From this place I can trot

out a merry quip or two

A distraction to help chaps through

Fred confidently led the way

(He’d tried this bit out yesterday)

He asked, "Is every one ok?

This first bit really is child’s play

But don’t forget your running belay

And while it’s dark don’t go astray"

In darkness climbed they on and on

And on and up and on

There were Iains and Jims

There was Colin and Tim

There were Alans and Rogers and Johns

There was Chris, there was Gordon

And Daves in profusion

There was Harrold and Henry and Hugh

There was Bruce, there was Brian

Keith, Graham and Stephen

There was Francis and Malcolm too

There was Bill and Ken and Alistairs three

There was Denis and Robert and Garrey

And of course out ahead

There was Arthur and Fred

At the back, were McI and McP

The sun eventually started to rise

Some time around five o’clock

Little by little before their eyes

It exposed vista upon vista of flaky rock

A splinter group led by Dave Wat’

Sped off at a great pace

Hand over hand, foot over foot

They scrambled up the rock face

They’d stopped to let their group amass

Beside a tall rock tower

When an Alan said, "We have, alas

been wrong for half an hour"

Feeling worried

They then hurried

Faster than they had all day

In the flurry

And the scurry

They had surely lost their way

But then they heard a voice come booming

From over on the left

It seemed as if someone was looming

From out of a rocky cleft

It was, in fact, the leader, Fred

With Harrold’s mike upon his head

He told the chaps they needn’t fear

"’Cos we are only over here"

Then asked politely, "Please come back

And will you please stay with the pack!"

Just below the Solvay Hütte

There’s an awkward bit to climb

And several people struggled there

So Fred put down a line

Arthur hauled them from the top

Bill pushed them from behind

Gordon tied on half way

up and merry quips was making

But its very hard to say

If this stopped or caused much shaking

This scene was snapped by Jim and Chris

As each the crux did master

"The girls will be impressed by this

… ’though they’d have done it faster"

They stopped but for a moment

in the Solvay bivouac

Just long enough to take some steamy pud

out of their packs

… But it was sadly long enough

for Gordon some more jokes to crack

Roger, rooting in a pocket

Abruptly shot up, like a rocket

There … resting in his hand

Was clinking metal on a band

"Oh NO, Oh NO, this cannot be

Ann will be so annoyed with me

She may not even ever see

the funny side, … it’s the car key"

And I McN said, "I know how it be

To be parted from your car key"

He looked at Colin pointedly

"It happened once to me"

Just above the Solvay Hütte

They finally hit ice

Where slithering all o’er the place

It wasn’t very nice

So they put on crampons all a quiver

… But it wasn’t cold that made them shiver

They braced themselves against the shock

of metal grating against rock

Teeth gritted ’gainst that awful feeling

The piercing sound of crampons squealing

Just then John Donnelly appeared

Coming downwards … rather weird

Something must be wrong, they feared

"I’ve been to the top

It isn’t too far

Just thought I’d pop

back to see how you are"

And with that back up he disappeared

And up they climbed, and on and on

And on and up and on

There were Iains and Jims

There was Colin and Tim

There were Alans and Rogers and Johns

There was Chris, there was Gordon

And Daves in profusion

There was Harrold and Henry and Hugh

There was Bruce, there was Brian

Keith, Graham and Stephen

There was Francis and Malcolm too

There was Bill and Ken and Alistairs three

There was Denis and Robert and Garrey

And of course out ahead

There was Arthur and Fred

At the back, were McI and McP

It was on the next bit

That the altitude hit

And suddenly some felt very unfit

Climbing mountains isn’t easy

When your stomach’s feeling queasy

Some retched, some coughed and some went pale

Some moved as slowly as a snail

But to a man they soldiered on

Even though not feeling strong

In this they were led by Dave Wat

Who said, "This time, helicopter NOT"

And Tim, who’d helicopter fear

Said, "No chance, not for me THIS year"

Malcom, the boffin, mid a fit of coffin’

Suddenly started to sway

He’d spotted a spider

And sat down beside her

"Now she’s a real beauty" did say

Jon Barnes staggered over

He wanted to look

"To check it out

we’ll need a book

We will have to take it back

to Glasgow .. put it in your sac"

So Malcy took his special pot

(The one with air holes in the top)

And doing just as he was bid

Popped spider in and sealed the lid

"I can’t see how we’ll get it home

In order to consult the tome

We have to fly back on a plane

A spider’d be hard to explain"

But Jon said, "no problem at all

I’ll put it in my cabin bag

It’s ok … as you may recall

I did it once before with crabs"

Then to himself he added mutely

"WHEN I did it once before

The crabs got out, and rather cutely

Crawled around the cabin floor"

Feeling pukey slowed down their pace

So it was some hours till the last reached the place

Where the route moves out onto the North Face

And fixed ropes dangle from outer space

But waiting there quite patiently

Were Arthur, Bill and John McP

(Joined now and then by John Donnelly)

Up rope after rope they thrutched their way

Grunting and groaning and cursing away

Somehow they kept going – no further delay

And the last one was welcomed on top ’round midday

                                      Hip hip HOORAY!!

The first group … who’d arrived at eight

And hung around there half a day …

Were very pleased, in their long wait

Of wrap-round hoods on their duvets

Now … the thing about the Matterhorn

Its summit’s rather small

And so with all the lads adorned

There wasn’y space at all

In Switzerland’s the north top

The South’s in Italy

Squeezed in the middle in the drop’s

An iron cross, you see

In a guddle and conges-tion

There amassed the teaming throng

There were Iains and Jims

There was Colin and Tim

There were Alans and Rogers and Johns

There was Chris, there was Gordon

And Daves in profusion

There was Harrold and Henry and Hugh

There was Bruce, there was Brian

Keith, Graham and Stephen

There was Francis and Malcolm too

There was Bill and Ken and Alistairs three

There was Denis and Robert and Garrey

And of course, having led

There was Arthur and Fred

Not forgetting McI and McP

Presiding o’er this giant huddle

Harrold sorted out the muddle

Found a place for each to go

So they could take the team photo

The Daves were on the north peak

The south contained the Johns

Crammed in between, too tight to squeek

The rest were hanging on

Chris E then, and Jimmy Smith

With cameras a-ready

Clambered up upon the cross

And held each other steady

From there they snapped more pictures

And immortalised the scene

A record for the website

To confirm that they had been

GLENMORE LADS ON TOP OF THE WORLD!

Fred said, "Well guys we cannot linger

Now’s the time for your descender

Clip it on to your suspender

How to abseil, please remember"

So down the fixed ropes they reversed

This abseiling they had rehearsed

So they were making a pace snappy

Definitely demob happy

"Now lads it is a long way down

So please do take care"

Fred looked around him with a frown

"There are hazards everywhere"

No sooner had he said it, when

As though attracted by the dots

A mass of rocks fell round Hugh, then

bounced of his helmet … lots and lots

All stood transfixed, their bodies locked

As more fell down and nearly knocked

Them off the face. … The mountain mocked

But they stood still, completely shocked

Then came a glint in Arthur’s eye

"I feel a contraption coming on

A means to help us all get by

This dangerous spot … let’s get it done"

Keen also to give it a try

Were Dave H, Henry P and John

And so with bivi bags and string

They made a sort of tunnel thing

And through it each one had to crawl

Protected there from the rockfall

Pitch after pitch they abseiled on

They clambered down and on

There were Iains and Jims

There was Colin and Tim

There were Alans and Rogers and Johns

There was Chris, there was Gordon

And Daves in profusion

There was Harrold and Henry and Hugh

There was Bruce, there was Brian

Keith, Graham and Stephen

There was Francis and Malcolm too

There was Bill and Ken and Alistairs three

There was Denis and Robert and Garrey

And of course out ahead

There was Arthur and Fred

At the back, were McI and McP

The first were back at half past four

No sooner were they through the door

Than Dave B found his mobile phone

And called home for the score

But they were much the stronger

             … The trip down took much longer

For those who struggled near the back

And had a steamy pudding snack

It was nearly nine o’ clock

When Fred saw in his motley flock

And when the very final group

Had jumped the Matterhorn’s last hoop

That night the hütte was dancing free

Their bodies much too sore

But beer and wine and malt whiskey

Were had in cups galore

And Denis said, "It’s only fair

I think to give you warning

Wild horses wouldn’t even dare

To raise me early in the morning"

And so after a good long lay

They left the hütte late next day

Heading down

To Zermatt town

With a tea shop on the way

John Anderson had spotted it

When he was walking up

(He likes a place like this to sit

With cup of tea to sup)

When to the Bahnhof they returned

A celebratory meal they’d earned

So they had haggis, tatties and neeps

Then crashed out in exhausted sleep

When they returned to Glasgow

Feeling fit and rightly proud

The girls had put on quite a show

to welcome them. …They said aloud

"Glenmore lads!

We are so very proud of you

You took the challenge and came through

But we have something to tell too

For as you left us time alone

With nothing much to do

We made a trip to Pakistan

And there we climbed K2"

                  ner ner-ne-ner ner

                  CH, January 2005

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