Ha! Whaur’s he goin', yon creepin laddie

Whose impudence protects him rarely.

Look ye as he struts around sae cool and dandy

To try his luck wi’ a half o shandy

He saunters up and doon the flour

Practising some old chat up line he’s used a hunner times afour

O, he thinks he’s rare and fine and gallus,

But will ye see his Ron Hills rucked up round his phallus!

Can ye no nudge him about that willy?

I fear he’s about to make us all awfey silly!

Oh Crivens, Jings and help me Bob!

Is he not the silliest, glaickit sod!

All Flash and full in his new Paramo

Yon Glenmore gal’ll no tak him for her gigalo.

How durst he even set his ‘ee upon her – sae fine a lassie!

O wad some Power the giftie gie him

To see himself for what he is – the pudding!

It would frae him from money a blunder, and foolish notion

And all that pain of unreturned devotion.

Come ower here my guid man

Let me tell ye somthin,as one who can.

Gae somewhere else and tak yer chances

Cause that fine gal has other fancies.

Ye, should try your luck at yon independent bothie

That’s whaur ye’ll find yer type o’ tottie!

For there’s no mixed dorms in this hostell

Which only caters for a better class o’ gal.

Now ye may creep and sprawl and sprattle

Wi all yer gibbering, windy prattle

Of climbs up this and abseils doon that

But she can see yer fer whit ye are - jist another Munro braggin prat!

But go and try it – see waur it gets yee

A richt black eye and then on to casualty!

Why don’t ye hold yer wicht and stay oot o’ sight

Stay here wi me where ye’ll no ge them a fright

O even worse get us all in a fight!

For they hae real tough routes and climbs to plan

There’s no need for ye – ye uncouth man.

Ye may find yer place, there by the bar

Where ye can drool and stare from afar.

Or mebbe get her a nice wee malt

While she and the sisters plan their great assault

On some remote big and far-fetched Ben

Which will be waaaay too tough for us soft men.

Or better still, just let her calculate that final bearing

While ye and me can speculate just what she’s wearing

Beneath those skin tight layers!

Noo lads lets stay here, all warm and snug

Whaur we can quaff an ample mug (or two).

And raise our glasses no ‘n then

To those brave Glenmore Gaals oot on the Ben.

So let’s say it quiet and truly reverental

To those who wear a greater mantle

‘Here’s tae the gals, the feisty gals

The Glenmore Gals who rule the hills’

Loch Ness Youth Hostel

Glasgow Glenmore Burns Supper

Jan 2005

PS. Some researchers suggest that this piece of outlandish doggerel was inspired by Mr. Rabbie Burns ‘Tae a Louse’! Let us hope that this is a false and fallacious slander – for all our sakes!